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  • Writer's pictureTracy Bottiglieri

So This Is Christmas...

I can not believe this will be the second year I am going through Christmas without my husband. Even as I write this I am thinking he might still reappear, as if it has been a terrible mistake we have all made. And yet, with the same breath, I know that is not the case.


Again I return to gratitude. How lucky was I to have known such a deep love and friendship with Joe for most of my life! We met when I was only 22. He was 26. We were together for just over 30 years. Time is relative, but I think most people would agree that 30 years is a long time. Being a Glass-Is-Half-Full kind of girl, I know it's more than a lot of people ever get to have.


But the selfish part of me wants more. I want the matching rocking chairs on the porch that he and I dreamed about. I want the days without a plan. I want the time we were going to live for a month in a foreign country to truly explore and get to know the area and people. I want the joy of sharing grandchildren together. I want to have his companionship and counsel during this pandemic. I want...


And so I hold my heart a little separate from my body when I am able, to make the hurt not so close or intense. I try not to permit myself to think of what could have been (or what SHOULD have been), but rather think only of what is and what will be for me, my boys, and all those who love(d) Joe.


While it is hard sometimes to be festive, I think it is usually worth the effort. So despite the pandemic or grief or whatever heartache or hardship you may be facing, I hope that you are able to make special memories that you can treasure for years to come.


Here are a few of my special memories...




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Michelle Kuldell
Michelle Kuldell
22 ธ.ค. 2563

Hi Tracey I just discovered your blog! I am SO excited to read your empowering words! Thanks for sharing and yes! I hope you can make new memories this holiday season and cherish the memories from the past❤️💜💙

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Karen Goldberg Matzkin
Karen Goldberg Matzkin
12 ธ.ค. 2563

Thank you for sharing your stories. Through your narrative, you show people that they can have permission to grieve without losing themselves in the process. You are an inspiration! We all loved Joe and recognize that the holidays are a difficult time. You and Matthew bought a beautiful tree and I know that you will make new special memories with the boys because that's what you do! Love ya!!!!

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Brenda Rose
12 ธ.ค. 2563

Such great memories and photos. I still think he may reappear as well 😢 Keep being your strong, positive beautiful self! Love you 💕

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